Coffee Conundrum

[El Amin]

There is some new research out that claims that drinking coffee can actually help you to live longer. Supposedly, each cup prolongs your life for approx. 9 minutes. The amount of coffee I drink, especially at work, could mean that instead of my expected 3 score years and 10 I could be looking at living until the ripe old age of 137.

I'm not sure this is good news!! As someone who is planning on retiring at 55 I hadn't anticipated I could be looking at 82 years of retirement. Not sure the pension funds will quite stretch to that unless I develop the ability to live on a couple of grand per year. Now I'm not planning on living a lavish lifestyle during retirement but by the time I've paid for slippers, cardigans and incontinence pants I can't see there being a whole lot left over to buy the obligatory pipe!

On the bright side there are areas where I'll be able to save money. It's a well known fact that as a man ages his trouser waistband moves further and further up his body. My calculations indicate that by the time I hit 107 my waistband should have moved so far North that my ties will be able to double as a belt and I won't need a shirt at all.

Although where the hell you buy trousers with sleeves I really don't know. Perhaps there are special shops. And just one final thing. At what age does a pensioner get out of bed in the morning, open up his wardrobe and think to himself "I've got sod all to do today, except sit around in a curmudgeonly fashion and potter down to the shops for cat food getting in everyone's way in the process.

I think I'll wear a smart jacket, a shirt and a tie?"

I mean really!! What is that all about?