Diary of a Manic Bipolar Woman....

[LaisaLeean89]

How'd I find out I was bipolar? What is it like to live with it? 

Here's just part of my story...

I found out I was bipolar at at the age of 13. But there was signs before that. An this was before the term manic and bipolar was being tossed around. I use to go from 0 -100 real quick. No forewarning or anything. The best example I can give is, I've flipped out because someone said "Hi" to me. And this was after a great day out with my mom shopping and going to eat, we went home and was watching a movie. 

Then...... 

They walked in and just said HI to us and it was over from there. I flipped out, punching walls and trying to hurt myself. An seriously, it was 3 weeks, before I finally came back down to a normal level and realized everything that had occured. 

One of the longest episodes I've had, up until recently.
I just went nuts and I can't tell you why at all. Punching walls, hurting myself, being rude and saying things a child should not say to anyone, let alone to their own mother.

(This was prior to my diagnosis.)
 When this all took place it interfered with my schooling. My mom ended up taking me to the doctor's too find out what was going on .

I was out of control. Couldn't no one tell me nothing. Everyone finally figured out in the end, if you don't want a reaction from me then don't tell me I can't do something. The minute you tell me not to, I would.

Then from there had to get a counselor and a psychiatrist. That went on until my grandma passed away when I was 14.

During that time I was on med's and doing better than ever. 

My school even noticed.

When she passed, I lost it again and fell off the deep end into despair and ended up in the depression state of my bipolar. I dropped out of school because of that. Started partying all the time. It's all I wanted to do. 

Drown out the sorrows and pain. 

I did go back to school the next year and still managed to graduate on time, at 17 with only 3.4 years of highschool under my belt and I made the honor roll my senior year. And I did that all while partying and being a mess up.

I had another really bad episode between 17/18 yrs old. Ended up flipping out on the whole 6th floor of the court house in downtown Lansing. It was epic!!

That was not one of my better moments and I know that.  After that episode I found out I was pregnant and then I miscarried and had to go through a DNC all because my body didn't shed the egg normally.

That messed me up, alot....

When I was 19 I had my first child. Almost a year to the date after my DNC. Dec 7 2007... and my son was born December 18th of 2008. Everyone was so worried I'd fall back in to depression. But in all actuality the pregnancy helped pull me out of the depressed state and put me back in a good mindset. 

Between 2009-2012 life was good. Then my marriage ended. Didn't actually divorce for a couple years.

I dated someone and got pregnant, but we ended up splitting up and then...

I tried to salvage my marriage and moved to Mississippi.

Big mistake.

The same thing happened there, that was going on up here and what made me leave him in the first place.

Ended up delivering my son by myself in a hospital 1000 miles away from home.

THIS WAS NOT A HEALTHY SITUATION FOR ME MENTALLY.

Went through post partum after he was born in 2013. It was expected because of what was going on during that time, with my now x husband.
But, got my mind back right and started working again and feeling great about myself and my mental health once I was back home.

It still took months to find my way. 

Had a couple relationships during them years and one went really wrong at the end of 2015/beginning of 2016. And unfortunately because of the stuff I was dealing with I went back to self medicating and drinking. Ended up drunk and high for a whole year. Did things I never thought I would.

One day I woke up so mad, I went and got a bottle @10 a.m. I got so wasted. I laid in my bed and contemplated my death. I thought about suicide. I literally thought of every way you could possibly die. I just wanted to end it all right there. 

I woke up the next day and said that was enough. I knew if I didn't stop I was going to end up in the grave. So I made the change and quit drinking that day. Started self motivating myself to do better and get better. And I did. It was a process and I had to train myself to think positively. I literally had to put up motivation quotes. I had like 10. Everyone thought I was crazy because I had so many everywhere. I read each of them more then 10 times a day. And it actually worked. 

After that I didn't have many drastic manic episodes. 
That is untill June 2022.

What do I do to manage my Manic Bipolar episodes?

Well for many years I managed on my own after I spent a year on some medications during highschool.( 10th grade)

Unfortunately, like most in my shoes, after we get to a normal, we think it's ok to stop taking our medications. This actually didn't affect me at all and I managed to go from age 19-31 without having any "major" incident's. 

Yes I experienced mood swings but nothing drastic that couldn't be handled with time and without medication's.

I found another relationship and ended up married again. We have went through many trials and tribulations in the short time we've been together.
After being pregnant for a long time, (experienced many miscarriages and eptopic pregnancies), about five years total, I lost my mind. I have 4 kids but I've been through 13 pregnancies total.

That's 9 lost babies.

I've been stuck in a house and couldn't work because of said pregnancies. I went from being independent to helpless it felt like.
Your mind is constantly running and won't stop. It'll go from one thing to the next and then go back to where it started. An just keep repeating that cycle. 

It's exhausting trying to get just one thing done when your mind is in that in mode.

My husband got in trouble and was gone 6+ months and that started with me putting a floor jack through the truck window.

Life was crap, all because I went bonkers. I hadn't been that way or felt that way since highschool.
I finally reached out to my Dr. and got back on some medications. Had some set backs with adverse reactions to 2 different meds. Tried going to my next appointment and they refused to see me because of the sniffles. (During COVID time) A person with bipolar though will only try so many times before they self medicate. And I did because the doctors pissed me off by refusing to see me that day.
So after that, months later, I did end up going back to the Drs. again. I got gene sight testing done. It breaks down medications in a list of categories that work, maybe will, and a do not use list.
So after about 1.5 years of being in real bad manic state, I finally am getting back to a normal state of mind. I have been up and down, down and up. So it feels good to have some type of normalcy in my life again. 

Every day is different. Just got to go with the flow.

Let it roll off your back, like water on a ducks back. 

 

Author's note:

I choose to write about this topic and share part of my story so maybe it'll help someone else to know they are not alone. And to show that you don't have to be afraid to speak up. People don't talk about mental health enough. It's like there's a stigmatism about it, or its forbidden to talk about. Mental health is all to real and unfortunately more and more people are taking there life these days. From little kids to our veterans. We need to talk more about what we feel inside. An maybe by me sharing my story, others won't be afraid to speak up. If my story touches just one person, my mission is completed. Just remember if you get knocked down, the only way is up from there. 

We need to make sure we are not judging people before you even know them. You never know what someone else is going through. Please remember to be kind....

YOU COULD ACTUALLY SAVE A LIFE, JUST BY BEING NICE...

Even a simple smile could potentially save someone...

 

Laisa's Corner 

LaisaLeean89